An Election Day Diversion


I am the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers, and I approve this message.

Good evening, citizens of Steelers Nation. 

There was a non-binding resolution passed in Washington last night, and I came out victorious.

But as you know, this is no time for complacency.  In many other seasons, we've seen our party's ticket snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  Too many times, we lost track of the prize and failed to leave it all on the road.

While we've run a solid campaign so far, I can't help but think back to the largest city in a battleground state - Philadelphia.

Going in, our poll numbers looked strong.  But because of failed leadership and a bad campaign strategy, we took a stunning loss.  Now, we face that same battle in city after city across the nation.

We've got a strong regional lead and are competitive nationally in what seems like a down year for turnout.  Regionally, we are in a unique position where we share a border with three foreign franchises.  So when Romeo Crennel rears his head and comes into air space of Steelers Nation, where does he go?  It's Pittsburgh.  It's just over the border.

But it's not just the division.  The Steelers compete against 57 other teams, with one left to go.  The early voting results are pretty impressive, but there are struggles ahead.

Voters in New England, Indianapolis and San Diego are distraught that their candidates suffered from swift falls from grace.  However, long-dormant cities and states are now competitive.  There has been a surge of opposition support in Tennessee, especially.

So, at the halfway point of this campaign, it's important to refocus the electorate on my record and my platform.

First, I am sure that everyone will agree with me when I say that I am strong on defense.

I believe in launching pre-emptive attacks against rival threats, and I reserve my right to use false-flag tactics to engender confusion and division from our enemies.  I do not believe in diplomacy, even with pre-conditions. 

I espouse the blitzkreig or shock and awe philosophy of defense, and will not hesitate to use secondary weapons to attack a rogue state from long-distance.  However, I will never forget that our first and biggest priority is to bunker down against ground attacks.

If elected, I will allow James Harrison and Lamarr Woodley to compete each week for the title of Secretary of Defense.  I support the torturing of opposing quarterbacks.

While I believe in funding defense when it is prudent, I prefer competitive bidding when it comes time to bring in or retain weapons.  I will not hesitate to cut from the budget the older defense programs that have become obsolete.

Domestically, I recognize that these are tough economic times.  While other teams are worth billions, we've typically kept taxes on our supporters low, to the detriment of our own bottom line.  I know that some are afraid that our team debt is rising, and that some of our largest investors have expressed an interest in selling their shares.  But let me assure you, a government under my leadership will not allow this franchise to be shipped overseas - your jobs are safe.  I will support a government bailout to avert a national crisis.  If elected, there will surely be pressure to liquidate some financers, but let me say unequivocally that I will fight regulation by use of a filibuster until the 11th hour.  I will not suspend my campaign, even if a bailout isn't agreed upon.

I also vow to fight against unfair ethics laws.  Some of the finest members of our party have been the subject of partisan witch hunts.  You know, I met a true American the other day.  I'll call him Hines the Receiver, but there's a bunch of other guys out there like him.  James the Linebacker.  Troy the Safety.  These are just guys trying to make a living, trying to get a piece of the American dream.  And then these government types come in and tell them they need to "spread the wealth" and give back a big portion of their paychecks because they broke some rule, and it's un-American.  I don't want to call it pansy football, but it's one of the tenets of pansy football.

I will always be an opponent of immigration.  I have seen too many of my finest workers leave for other job opportunities at ridiculous salaries.

I am pro-welfare, and I believe that our nation is judged by what we do for "the least of these."  Without our handouts, where would citizens like Kendall Simmons or Larry Foote be?  Out of work.  I do not endorse the concept of work-fare - how long was Duce Staley on this roster without having to work?

I believe that health care is a right of every Pittsburgher, and the best way to stay healthy is to make sure you don't have to cross state lines and go to Cleveland for surgeries.  But, if you like your existing coverage and want to take your chances in northeast Ohio, I'll pardon your death taxes.

We are strong on crime.  I'm looking at you Santonio.  (Though we let Chris Horton get away with too much last night, like he was on furlough.)

I have run a clean campaign, but I have been penalized for making a bad choice for Vice-President of Offense.  Some have criticized his experience, or say that he isn't intellectually curious.  Well, this coach has more executive experience than a lot of other guys on the ticket - he was a head coach at Temple, after all.

Some revert back to a video where the offensive coordinator asks a reporter what it is in fact that the offensive coordinator does all day.

All those accusations were first levied by message board organizers in an attempt to smear the OC, and should be ignored.  Being a message board organizer is a little like being offensive coordinator.  Except message board organizers have an actual understanding that 7 step drops out of an empty backfield bunch set against a blitz won't work.

Some have criticized his ability to make executive decisions, but it's mostly been "gotcha" journalism.  When asked "not to belabor the point, but can you give me a specific example of what plays and formations can be used to beat a blitz?" Arians was forthcoming and honest, saying "I'll find you some and I'll bring 'em to ya."

In the primaries, our campaign showed symptoms of an inability to protect our party's leader against negative attacks, and now our candidate has been injured 4 different times due to shoddy performances by the secret service.

This has continued throughout the season, and the weakness seems to be exposed most thoroughly when matched up against the other conference, those who aren't like us and would seek to destroy Steelers Nation.

It's time now to set the record straight - we will focus on our positives, even amidst the criticism of those who think we should fight back.  So many have criticized our offensive line, not only during this season but in the offseason as well.  But make no mistake.  We'll vindicate our faith that our line will get better - every day we drill baby drill.

We'll hold these guys accountable.  That's why the majority of them were saddled with term limits entering this season - if they fail, new blood can and will be brought in during next offseason, the mid-term election.  We'll shake things up, because we're for real reform.

Too many of our linemen have a fondness for pork, and lots of it.  If getting out the scalpel doesn't get this waste under control, it's time for the hatchet.

Now, many people question our party leader.  "Who is Ben Roethlisberger?" they ask.  Well, a man is only as good as his associations.  Has he been palling around with terrorists?  I mean, this is a guy who launched his 2005 playoff campaign in the home of T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

And there are also some questions as to how well he's prepared.  Is he a policy wonk?  Is he a decider? 

I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but the people of Pittsburgh deserve some straight talk.  When there's three minutes left in a Sunday night game, who do you want answering the phone?  Ben isn't afraid to use the word "victory" when it comes to this war, but he's going to need help and he's going to need to stay healthy, because his surrogate will go off-message if he's allowed to be under the spotlight for too long.

The election is soon my friends, and it's our time to figure out a way towards victory.  With a shaky line and party leadership showing signs of stress, we're going to need to rely on our strong ground game.

Our party has always had grassroots support that is second to none, and you can see it everywhere this election season.  Thousands of fans attended a rally last night, in a state that hasn't voted black and gold in two decades.  We have offices in every state, and though our opponents hate it, we're also popular overseas, especially with our heroes in the military who serve abroad.

The Pittsburgh Steelers put team first and have overcome historic obstacles in this campaign, but they've been erratic.

Can we win it all on election day?

Yes we can.



THE SPURIOUS FIVE


1.  Tennessee Titans

They were pushed by the Packers, but in the end they made the plays to win the game in overtime.  Packers RB Ryan Grant had more success against the Titans' run defense than anyone would expect - maybe that run defense isn't air-tight after all.

2.  NY Giants

Total destruction.  The Giants ran the ball and stopped the run, and Eli made it count in the red zone.  The Giants will be a tough out the rest of the way.

3.  Carolina Panthers

Carolina will come of its bye week with two easy ones:  at Oakland and home against the Lions.  Their schedule doesn't get much harder from there.  A December 21st game at the Giants looms large to decide who gets the NFC byes.

4.  Pittsburgh Steelers

The defense is good enough to make the playoffs on its own with very little support from the offense.

5.  Baltimore Ravens

The offensive line is surprisingly solid, the defense is that same as it's ever been and Joe Flacco looks more comfortable than Ben Roethlisberger when it comes to running a no-huddle offense right now.



WEEKLY AWARDS


OFFENSE

Byron Leftwich

The game was already in hand, but Leftwich came in and put the game away, making the most his opportunity and showing off his laser, rocket arm.

DEFENSE

Wooderson

I stole the moniker from Tecmo over at PSAMP, and it's a good one.  Can they finish one and two in the sack rankings at the end of the year?  It'd be a lot cooler if they did.  They just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N.


SPECIAL TEAMS

Andre Frazier

Things weren't looking bright and rosy until Frazier got a paw on a punt.


GOAT

Bob Ligashesky

On a relatively positive night, this is for letting Mitch Berger punt.  He's obviously hurt, and wasn't very good on the night except for one 48 yarder.  He's also utterly worthless if a return man breaks through the coverage unit.  Surely they can find someone healthy. 

 

QUOTABLE

"I can play this game in Canada, I can play this game in Alaska, I can play this game anywhere."

- Byron Leftwich, who should realize how close to playing in Canada he was after receiving little interest around the league until Charlie Batch went down



STATS, STAT

Over the past four games, Nate Washington has 11 catches for 275 yards and 3 touchdowns (25.0 YPC) after being somewhat of an afterthought early in the season.  That works out to 44 catches for 1100 yards and 12 touchdowns over the course of a season.



MAKING THE ROUNDS

1.  To me, the onsides kick was a gift to James Harrison, who screwed up on special teams last week.  That play was designed to put Harrison in a position to go destroy one Redskin so Reed could follow behind and recover the ball.  Problem is, Jeff Reed kicked it a little too far to the right, and Silverback got there a moment too late.

2.  Ben's accuracy is poor right now, and I blame injuries.  The telling throw was a third down swing pass to Moore that was dropped.  Yes, it should have been caught, but it wouldn't have resulted in a conversion because the ball wasn't in the proper location, to the outside where Moore could catch and turn the corner.

3.  Can Byron Leftwich beat the Colts and Chargers?  Yes.  But what I want to see most out of those two games is the run game.  The Colts are 25th against the run, and the Chargers are 16th.  It's time to get Willie Parker going and to start playing to the strength of this team - the defense.  Ben is the key to playoff success, but I'd like to have the run game humming to give him some help and to give the defense some rest.

4.  It was nice to have Mewelde Moore back returning kickoffs.  He at least poses a threat.  I also feel like it's just a matter of time before Santonio breaks one on a punt return.

5.  Troy Polamalu has 8 passes defensed this season.  He hasn't had more than 9 in a season since his career-high 14 in 2004.  Troy's play is a major plus for this team right now against the run and the pass.  It was also good to see Tyrone Carter and Anthony Smith splitting time at free safety.


AROUND THE LEAGUE


6.  It's sink or swim for the Patriots.  They play three division games in a row, and then host the Steelers.  I predict that the Patriots will be in full free-fall mode by the time November 30th rolls around, and I also predict that even if they're 5-6 at that time I'll still be worried about going into Gillette.

7.  The Brady Quinn era begins in Cleveland on Thursday night.  The only thing better than watching the most expensive team money can buy fail is watching the Browns go from having two quarterbacks to having no quarterbacks in the course of the season.  Hopefully the Brady era lasts until the final game of the season.

8.  I think we can call it for Jacksonville - they're done.  Nothing says "next year" like losing to the Bengals.  The Bengals got three sacks from their defense and only allowed one sack on Fitzpatrick.  Shame on the Jaguars for letting a lowly team flip the likely script.

9.  It's suddenly a defensive league, I fully believe it.  Teams that are scoring points are doing so because their defense is forcing turnovers and/or short fields.  Even the Colts are winning by eschewing their usual risk-taking and playing some ball control.  I just don't see an offense out there that is complete enough to put the Steelers defense on their heels, and that should influence the way this team plays offense.  Perhaps it's time for Tomlin to put a bigger emphasis on field position and playing mistake-free football.  The Steelers have spent so much time this season trying to recapture the offensive output of 2007 that they haven't realized that they might be better served by going deeper for the answer, to 2001 or 1997 or 1994.

10. Please, Dallas.  Rush Tony Romo back from injury before he's ready.  Jerry Jones, you're in charge.  You paid him all that money.  Get him back in there and let him fumble away your season, you know, the one where you thought your team was unbeatable.



IN THE CROSSHAIRS

Keyunta Dawson and Eric Foster

I liked Eric Foster coming out in the draft last year.  As an inside linebacker.  As it is, the Colts are depending on two defensive tackles who barely weigh 265 pounds.  If there were ever a time to work on the inside running game with Willie Parker, this is the week.