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 Post subject: Burfict, Jones Evaluated Under NFL Dipshit Protocol (satire)
PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 11:26 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 22, 2015 2:55 pm
Posts: 1945

CINCINNATI — Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis confirmed today that linebacker Vontaze Burfict and cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones are in the NFL’s dipshit protocol after teaming up to cause the Bengals to lose a playoff game.
It was confirmed after the game that both Burfict and Jones are complete dipshits. The players will now be forced to undergo testing to see if they are so goddam stupid that they pose a risk to themselves and others. Lewis said that early signs suggest the pair will remain in the protocol for a while.
“Vontaze failed his follow-up test because he tried to eat the questionnaire he was given to fill out,” said Lewis, “and Pacman broke his hand punching a guy he said was looking at him weird, but it just turned out to be a mirror. They’re extremely dumb people, so I’m skeptical they’ll be out of the protocol before next season.”

In a later test, the door was purposely left open in the room where Burfict and Jones were being evaluated. The testing technician told them they were free to leave, but the duo got stuck in the door frame trying to get out first and have been there for several hours now, shoving each other and yelling.
“Classic sign of being stupid-ass dipshits,” said the technician.
At the time of publishing, Burfict and Jones were planning to urinate and defecate all over each other to help slide out of the door frame.
“That’s a good idea,” said Jones.
“Mmmhhm, yeah,” said Burfict, already eating a handful of his own feces.

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